And Then it hits u , again & again & again

So this was me 3 years 9 months & 3 days ago! Married to David Willis & exhausted after having my first precious baby boy Alex.... Then 9 months & 6 days later my then husband David passes away @ work. I had been out with my Mom & Aunt Roni Taking Alex around for his first Halloween. I came home & put Alex to bed, called David(he worked weekend night shifts) to tell him how Alexs 1st Trick-or-Treat experience went since he couldnt be there, said good night we love u , David told me to give his little buddy Alex a kiss for him & tell him that Daddy loves him when he woke up for his middle of the night feeding(which was usually around 2 Am) I usually called David & talked to him while I gave Alex his bottle but this night (morning) was different. @ 2am the phone rang 1 time and woke me. I was home alone so it scared me a little...Then a few min later it rang again & Alabama Coal Recovery(Where David worked) came up on CID. I answered knowing something wasnt right. His boss told me David had passed out @ work& was being taken to the hospital by ambulance. He requested I call someone to watch the baby & get there quickly. When I hung up the phone I remember crying & saying" No God Please No" But nothing registered....Then I quickly called my mom & dad to come watch the baby & called Linda(davids mom) to go with me to Shelby Bap Hospital. Little did I know that my Dad started throwing up as soon as mom told him...He said he felt it was something bad. So he went with Linda & I to the hospital....I remember felling so cold..Like a nervous cold.( the same way I feel now typing this)& I couldnt stop talking, like small chatter. We get to the hospital & 1 of Davids co-workers was waiting for us & said he would go tell the nurse we were there. The Doc came to the Big ER door & said" Will all of the Willis Family come with me please" When I walked through those doors every nurses head dropped. I knew then it was REAL BAD. The Doc took us into this LITTLE room(or so it seemed) & sat us on a couch. She asked if we knew what was going on & continued to tell us every little detail from when he was picked up from work....Well I didnt want to know all that so I said" Skip all that & tell me whats going on NOW" She said: Mrs. Willis , Im sorry to inform u of this, but we did all we could do , hes gone" I remember not even being able to cry @ first because I was so in shock....


If u know me then u know im short(little) but when im upset I seem to grow somehow.(not actually)but I feel BIG. So I started screaming @ this Doc" No, Your lying, Your Lying, we have a baby , your lying""Please tell me its not true" Then I remember the walls felt as if they were closing in on me....I went running out of the ER, strait to my car & started pacing back & forth...repeating, this cant be happening, this has to be a dream, when will I wake up.......Then it hit me when my dad & a nurse came to me and made me sit down & breathe.....I feel apart....I couldn't stop thinking about my precious baby @ home who would never see his daddy again....How will I raise him on my own? How will I afford to pay the bills by myself? As weird as this all sounds for me to be worrying about all of this @ that time its what I was doing. Then I wanted to call people to tell them that he was gone...Not that I wanted to talk or wanted him to be gone , its just like this overwhelming feeling kicks in & ur brain goes berserk! I have always been a take charge, let me do it by myself kind of person. So i was gonna drive myself home until my dad stopped me & said" Im ur Dad & I will take care of u, IM DRIVING" Then I cried & cried cause I knew that Alex wouldnt have his dad to TAKE care of him as I did mine. I remember having to pick out clothes for David & wanting to buy a new pair of socks to put on him cause he loved the way new socks felt. I remember crying thinking"what am i going to wear to my husbands funeral? Im not buying a out fit cause I wont be wearing it again, it will always be THE OUTFIT I WORE TO THE FUNERAL" I remember before his funeral @ night I would hear the door shut when people came in & still I would think"Is that David?" I also remember the glass he had sat on the night stand before he left for work Sunday, I left it there for a few day...I just couldnt part with the last few things he had touched. I fixed his hair with his gel & hair spray, put Cologne on his clothes before the funeral home put them on him...all kinds of crazy things!

So if ur wondering why all this right now? Well for about a week now Alex has mentioned David every day..He calls him "his father david". ( For those of u who dont know me, I have now remarried to my best friend from high school who is a wonderful christian man, awesome husband & #1 daddy. We also have another precious boy named Tyler. So Alex has a little bro who he adores. I couldnt ask for a better life & I praise God for all the blessings he has given me. I consider Jason the rainbow @ the end of the storm in mine and Alexs life.)


As I was saying, Alex refers to David as "His Father David" & calls Jason his Daddy. But the last few nights he has cried his little eyes out because he says he misses his father David. It is breaking my heart & I have cried every night also. I miss david too but I can cope & deal better than my little boy. (That why Im still up @ 1:58 Am typing this hoping it will help to let it all out. ) I have told Alex that his Father David is up in Haven w/ Jesus & that when we r really old we can go live with Jesus too.( I try to make it as simple as possible for a 3 1/2 to understand) But he still cries & want Father daivd to come down here now and see him. Or he wants to go to haven to c his father david( which breaks my heart even more because then my crazy minds starts twirling & praying that God dont take Alex from me.) I know crazy!!!!!! Alex is learning alot in Sunday School @ church , so he kind of sort of knows the whole Haven & Jesus Concept. But @ 3 I dont want him to realize that its when u DIE that u go to c Jesus because Im afraid he will worry about dying then & that s the last thing a 3 year old needs to worry with. As a mommy many of u know that when ur child is hurting then u hurt with them. Alex was only 9 months when david died & Jason is the only Daddy & Father figure he knows. Jason has done such a great job & he loves Alex so much & Alex loves him. I mean he IS Alexs Daddy. I just hope he(Alex) doesnt ever say the dreaded words"ur not my daddy" to Jason because I know it will crush him & me too!


So anyway if any of u have any suggestions please do share because I cant even sleep for crying & thinking about how hard things could get for Alex. If hes this upset @ 3 then WOW, its gonna be rough when he really understands... Well thanks for listening(or reading) Hope u all have a great day.....

Brandi~